The strip club.  Where every man is considered equal…unless he’s a ballplayer or a rapper, then that kinda goes down a bit.  But they are nice places to go if you desire to feel the touch of a beautiful woman.  What? You’ve never been to a strip club?  Or you have been, but your experience has been kinda blah?  Well, we’re going to guide you to having yourself a great time at the strip club of your choice.  Make sure you choose a reputable establishment with beautiful girls inside.  Check out their website to see if its worth going to, and what kind of reviews it has received.

This foray to the strip club is going to be different for you.  Save up at least $500.00 if you don’t have it readily available.  Buy a money clip…whipping out a billfold is so amateurish.  Get a nice, dark colored suit.  You’re going to rock the no tie, open button white shirt.  Nice, shiny shoes.  This way, you will set yourself apart from the regulars dressed in jeans and t-shirts.  You’ll look like somebody important, which will get you favorable attention from the dancers there.  And turn off your cell phone and don’t take it out ever.  Cameras phones are frowned upon here and you are not Pacman Jones. You will get that ass tossed out of the club.

When you get to the door to pay the cover charge, tip the door person a fiver and ask them who is performing tonight.  You may not know these girls from the Los Angeles Sparks roster, but go along with it.  Walk in and stop at the entrance.  Take a few moments to survey the scene.  Look in the crowd to see who the dancers are with.  now, take a seat, but not near the stage.  When the waitress comes by, get something like a rum and coke.  You want to keep your wits about you, plus getting beer takes away from the “sophisticated” image.  Give her a compliment and a five dollar tip.  Tell her to make sure you don’t dry out, and she’ll make sure of that.  Waitresses are sometimes cuter than the dancers, but the other patrons know this, so they get hit on a lot.

Watch the dancers on stage, but don’t go up to give them bills just yet.  Watch at least three girls and see which one might give an excellent lap dance.  If you’re lucky (or did your research and planned it), they may have a featured dancer like a porn star or something.  Sometime soon, you’ll be approached by a dancer, who’ll compliment you on your suit. Spark a convo with her and use humor…girls love a guy with a sense of humor.  When she asks if you want a lap dance, politely decline but have her come back later if you like her.  Mention that you don’t want to hold her up from her rounds and to come back when she has time and drinks are on you.

Head to the stage whenever a dancer comes out that catches your eye.  Act casually and not like a lecherous fop sticking your tongue out and making crass remarks.  Let her do her thing.  Smile, but don’t touch.  Leave her a five dollar bill instead of the singles everyone else leaves.  Also throw in a naughty wink.  She’ll come and hunt you down later.  When she makes her thank you rounds, buy her a drink and chat her up.  Keep it lighthearted and funny and don’t try to get her real name.  Dancers prefer to maintain their “identity” in the club and keep their life in the outside world completely separate, in order to deter potential stalkers.  When she asks if you want a dance, tease her a bit about it, then agree to it.  Settle for a two-song minimum and follow her orders.  And enjoy yourself.

You’ll probably run into the first girl that approached you.  Have a drink with her and watch the girls on stage.  Give her some singles to give to her fellow girls on stage.  When she comes back, imply that you’ll be getting your dance from her soon.  Ask her a little more about herself.  One of the good things about the strip club is that if you have trouble talking to women, you can work on that here.  Go ahead and get the dance from the girl.

If they have a featured performer, she’ll probably garner the brunt of attention from the crowd, especially if she’s a porn star.  Let them toss their money on stage.  Grab the waitress and ask what the girl likes to drink.  She should know if the girl has been to the club before.  Order one and have it ready for when she’s done on stage.  And buy your waitress a shot if she accepts.  When the feature girl gets her drink and sees it’s from you, she’ll come up to you and thank you.  Offer her another one and request a lap dance.  To make things more saucy (and if you can afford it), corral any one of the girls you got a dance from earlier and buy HER a lap dance after yours.  A porn star on another girl is frickin hot.

Once you had your fun, thank your waitress.  Buy her a rose from the rose lady that goes around the place.  If you think he did a great job, buy the DJ a drink.  Leave the club; don’t leave right at closing time.  Now you’ve had a good strip club experience.

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