Okay, you studmuffin.  You played it cool and successfully got her phone number.  After a few calls, maybe even a coffee or lunch date, you manage the nerve to ask her over to YOUR PLACE for dinner and perhaps a movie.  And holy shite, she said “Yes.”  Of course, she would, right?

Let’s assume you live alone or with one or two roommates who have decided to let you have the place to yourself for this historic occasion.  We’ll also assume that your place could use some sprucing up.  You’re having a girl over in hopes of making a great impression and eventually seducing her.  We’ll break this down into a two-day game plan of prep work and setup.  You’ll watch a movie and, gasp, make her dinner.  And you’ll do just fine.  Because you’ll be making Chicken with Mustard Mascarpone Marsala Sauce

.  Ok, space cadet, we’ve got work to do…

DAY   ONE — Pimp the Pad

House cleaning time.  Remember you’re having a girl over for a seductive meal, not pizza and

Playstation 3.  You’ll need to focus on three rooms:  the kitchen, the bathroom, and the living room.  If you have roommates, keep their doors closed to respect their privacy and prevent her from seeing something she really doesn’t want to see.  So get your cleaning supplies and let’s get started.

LIVING ROOM

Whether you have a 5×7 area or a sprawling living room space, your furniture’s gotta be clean. Take your dustbuster and clean between the sofa cushions and all over it.  Shoot it down with some Febreze…a lot to hold you over till tomorrow.  If you have leather furniture…pimp…but make sure it doesn’t have tears and rips she can spot from the door.  If you do have rips or if you have that naughahyde (fake leather or “pleather”) with rips and stuff, you can cover the couch with a throw.  Buy a cheap solid color blanket, fold it in half, and throw it over the back of the sofa.

For the flooring, if no carpet, sweep that bad boy and run a Swiffer WetJet across it TWICE.  If you have carpet and it is stained like a frat house, you’d better get some Resolve cleaner and get those stains out.  Take down the Scarface movie poster (you can put it back when she leaves) and show a tad bit of sophistication by putting up some vintage movie posters and frames.  Wal-Mart has some of these posters as well as some of your movie rental places.  Hide your MAXIM, FHM, and similar magazines, and go out and get Sports Illustrated or ESPN the Magazine, Details, Esquire, GQ, Rolling Stone, Entertainment Weekly…any combination of three…to place on your table.  If you’ve got picture frames around, make sure the pictures do not have your roommates and/or yourself doing something gross.  For scents, get some candles.  Incense is played out.

Hopefully, you have a decent television and a DVD player.  So what are you going to watch?  You can go two ways:  1) You can watch something you have already agreed upon.  2)”The Notebook”.  Just kidding.  Usually, I’d break out some old movies like “Casablanca” or an Audrey Hepburn movie.  (pause) Hepburn it is.  “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” or “Roman Holiday”.  Remember in “You, Me, and Dupree” how Owen Wilson’s Dupree loved watching Audrey Hepburn.  If you can pull off that fascination like he did…it’s quite easy because Audrey H. was so engaging…you’ll score points with your date.

BATHROOM

Bottom line:  You must have a clean bathroom.  Start with the bathtub.  Clean it all over with bathroom cleaner and disinfect it with Lysol.  Change your shower curtain liner and change your shower curtain if it is a mess.  Clean your sink the same way.  Put away out of sight all of your masculine products.  Scrub the hell out of your toilet till it shines.  Don’t use the stuff that makes your bowl water blue.  Drop about 4 Alka Seltzers in there, wait for 15 minutes, wash it around, and flush.  Make sure you have an empty wastebasket.  Have plenty of toilet paper available.  Girls use lots of toilet paper.  Weird, I know.  Place a couple of candles in there.  Ambiance.

DAY TWO – The Blessed Event

At the grocery store, this is your shopping list:

4 boneless chicken breasts / salt / black pepper / olive oil / butter / onion / 1 pound sliced mushrooms / 2 tablespoons minced garlic / dry marsala wine / 1 cup mascarpone cheese / Dijon mustard / chopped fresh Italian parsley leaves / 1 pound fettuccine / 2 bottles of white wine / wine glasses, if you don’t have any/ 6-pack of your favorite beer / lettuce / tomatoes / Texas Toast croutons / vinaigrette salad dressing / one of those cool salad dressing bottles that look like flower vases.

When you get home, clean your kitchen thoroughly.  You’re going to be cooking during the movie and she is going to watch you in action.  Make sure your dining table is clean.  Get one of those short but wide candles as a centerpiece and two votive candles on each side.  You’ll be making that chicken thing we talked about earlier.  This is one of Giada de Laurentiis’s recipes from Food Network.  Tell your date this is one of your grandma’s recipes.  Even though your grandma’s nowhere near as hot as Giada.

PREP WORK

Take a shower and have a beer.  One beer.  Play some music to get yourself psyched up.  Dress casually as if you were going out.  No jeans.  Nice shoes.  Ease up on cologne…she’s on your turf.  Pop in the DVD and press Pause.  Head to the kitchen and have two wine glasses at the ready.  She may like a beer.  She can have one next time she comes over.  Get a big bowl and break up the lettuce in it.  Cut your tomatoes up and add them along with the croutons.  Pour the vinaigrette into the dressing bottle and put in the fridge till she arrives.  Chop your onions.  Do not put on any music.  That is cliché like a son of a bitch.  Instead, leave the TV on something interesting like CNBC.  Light the candles in the living room to have the place smelling good until she arrives.

Knock, knock.  Oh, snap!  She’s here.  Showtime.

Open the door and let her in.  Compliment her on what she’s wearing.  Offer her a seat and something to drink.  Fix two glasses of wine and take it to the sofa.  Talk a little bit and tell her about the movie.  Politely excuse yourself and head to the kitchen.  Get out the chicken breasts and season them with salt and pepper.  Heat the olive oil in a skillet over high heat.  Add the chicken and brown them on all sides – 3 to 4 minutes per side.  Put the chicken aside on a plate.  While the chicken is browning, make two bowls of salad – hers first.  Let her check you out in the kitchen.  If her wine’s getting low, refill.  When you put the chicken aside, melt the butter (5 tbsps.), then throw in the ¾ chopped onions and saute them for two minutes.  Add the mushrooms and garlic and sauté under the mushrooms are tender, about 12 minutes.  Use this time to go ahead and start the movie.

Add 1 cup of the marsala wine.  Simmer until there is half of it for around six minutes.  Stir in one cup of the mascarpone cheese and mustard.  Cut the chicken up crossways, then put it in the skillet.  Simmer, uncovered, over medium-low heat until the chicken is cooked throughout  and the sauce thickens slightly.  Stir in the parsley.  Add salt and pepper to taste.  Check in on your date and make sure her glass ain’t empty.

Get a pot out and boil some water.  Add salt to the water.  Once it is boiling, add the fettuccine and cook until it is al dente.  Should take about 7-8 minutes after you add the noodles.  Drain them in a colander and add the noodles back into the pot.  Add 3 tbsp. of butter, salt, and pepper to taste and toss the noodles around.  Go back to the movie for about 3-5 minutes.  Get closer to her on the sofa.

Lead her to the dinner table.  Pull out her seat like a gentleman.  Get out the plates and silverware.  Light the candles on the table.  On each plate, put some fettuccine on it and then the chicken and sauce on top.  Serve her first.  Refill your wine glasses and enjoy your meal.

When you’re done eating, go and finish the movie.  Make a move, assuming everything went smoothly.  I’m sure you can handle things from here.  Next time, you guys can do pizza and Playstation 3…maybe.